Monday, September 17, 2007

In the Spirit of Award Shows (the Emmys Were On Last Night)

I wouldn't call myself a drama queen, but I'm definitely not the wallflower type either. Suppose I'm somewhere in between. I've got a bit of a penchant for putting people in their place. Or something like that. Not friends, strictly strangers. Mostly weasels.

Like the time the haggard looking man came up to me in the parking lot and asked me for some gas money cuz his car just ran out and he had to make it to work or he was going to lose his job and then he couldn't support his pregnant wife and twins, and I replied, "That's so strange, because I was here last week and the week before, when you approached me, and you told me the exact same thing. You should use all that money you've been collecting to get your gas gauge fixed." True story. Or maybe the time when the burly 6'4" gentleman on the subway tried to push me and shove me out of my pole-positioned spot during rush hour (hey, I gotta have something to hold on to). When I wouldn't budge, he got mouthy with me, so I told him to go pick on someone his own size. I'm 5'0". Also, a true story.

A few weeks ago though, I am certain I got the zinger. You know, the moment when you walk away from a confrontational situation and think to yourself, "That was amazing execution. I could not have scripted that any better. I'm freakin' awesome!" I love the zinger. I live for the zinger. Rarely do moments of intensity come together with such perfection. But lest I get carried away with myself, let me tell you the story. In brevity.

I was irked at a certain someones parking job, which was directly behind and perpendicular to my car, thusly preventing me (and my boat trailer) from backing out. Basically, we formed a 'T', and I could not pull forward out of the spot. After 30 minutes, a herculean effort, and a 50 point turn, we were finally able to squeeze our way out of the spot. Being the good citizen I am, I wrote a friendly note in the dust on the back of the other car telling them they could have done a better job parking. Suddenly, a voice from 100 feet away (who has been sitting there watching me the whole time) thanks me for leaving said note on his car. We get into it, exchange a few comments wherein he tells me he's not they type of person to interrupt people when they are busy (namely, me lifting a boat trailer with bare hands and maneuvering my car within millimeters of his for far too long) and then threatens me with physical violence. Oh no he didn't!!! Yes, he did. I took a deep breath, calmly smiled, and then whammo! Pow! Kablam! Hit him with a zinger so powerful, all he could do was hang his head in shame as I turned on my heel, got in my car, and left him cowering in a cloud of my dust.

Truly an award winning performance.
*update* Initially, I didn't post the exact phrasing of the zinger for fear it may not sound as good as it actually was. But some have asked, so I shall tell. Basically, since he told me he wasn't the type of person to interrupt people when they are busy making hand signals to each other and lifting boat trailers with their bare hands under the heat of the noonday sun, I told him that was fine. However he WAS, apparently, the type of person who had the audacity to threaten and speak to women in such a harsh and degrading tone when he was surrounded by a group of 12 year old boys. Truly an admirable and unbelieveable type of person. Something along those lines. But with great flair and intensity. And I had big sunglasses on for special effect. So there you have it. I'm quite certain I could have won for best dramatic performance in a remote and dusty parking lot. With my sister and her evil care bear stares getting a nod for best supporting actress in the middle of freakin' nowhere.


Aimee said...

Well done Jaims! Maybe you can give me some pointers sometime. In these types of situations I find that I usually just say something like, "well you're mom's lame." And then I get embarrassed and quickly walk away thinking of the zinger about 20 minutes too late. Shoot!

Krista said...

wait...what was the zinger? did I miss it?

marta said...

bravo!! you are quite the one to leave those jaws dropped. good for you; don't let anyone mess with miss jamieanne!

lane said...

I can personally attest that though Jamie does not have the size, she definitely has the attitude to intimidate. That time on the subway, I actually thought we might get in a fight. I think people might try to take advantage of Jamie because she's itsy-bitsy, but they are playing with FIRE!

Way to go, Jamie. I thought you might tell him you have one final hand gesture for him (bird). But you're too lady-like for that.

ali said...

As best supporting actress for freakin' awesome care bare stares, I would like to thank our leading lady (or best actress)for being the one who isn't afraid to stick it to the man. Even if the man is big and scary. Or just extremely lazy and pathetic in both manner and diction.

You laid the smack down, Jamie Anne, and with grace. That guy had some nerve, and I couldn't be prouder of you or your big sunglasses. I'm happy to be on your team.

brooke romney said...

I love it all and want to be you. Seriously, I rehearse them in my head, say them when I come home, sometimes even out loud in the bathroom mirror. Nonetheless, I'm the only one who ever hears them. The best part, I bet you looked fabulous through all of it.

Lorilee said...

I can't agree, nothing like a good zinger. Although mine usually come to me 10 minutes too late when I'm still huffing and puffing about it.

Congratulation to the Best Dramtic Performer and Best Supporting Actress! That really was a great zinger.

Krista said...

I like how you kept us hanging. The zinger was worth the wait. You inspire me.

Dansie Family said...

way to go! i, like many, never actually get the zinger out. Rather, i say it in my head over and over until i get it right and then picture myself laying it on them. One day i will be brave or quick enough.